I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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