I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
