you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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