so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
