Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
