dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
