I looked at my own cervix.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
