I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize
