I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
