The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
