mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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