We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
