What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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