I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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