I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
