Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize