i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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