I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
