Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
