Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(727): View more from Florida

just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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(810): View more from Michigan

My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

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(408): View more from California

Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?

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(415): View more from California

I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.

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(210): View more from Texas

Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping

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(707): View more from California

Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?

(609): View more from New Jersey

THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!

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(785): View more from Kansas

So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.

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