...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
