when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
two words: eviction party
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
