You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
