you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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