I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
