You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
