What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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