Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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