She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
