I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
