i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
