I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
