i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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