I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
