I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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