I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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