i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize