i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
