I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
