Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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