Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
