Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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