you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize