that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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