Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
