My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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