I didn't shave. On purpose
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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