If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
