Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think a kid would responsible me up
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize