So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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