This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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