This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
