They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
