I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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