U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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