so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
