Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
