I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
