I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
