I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
