her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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