And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
