When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
