need another drink. this is the easiest way
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
